Fighting Caves
by Helkh
Summary: Misery is abundant to the Elves serving under their Lords. Chaos seems to strangle Thranduil's grip on reality, and Legolas finds himself quite oblivious to Glorfindel's plotting. [Chapter 5 up!]
1. Scream for Daddy

**Fighting Caves 1**

  
  
April 6

Nearing 3000 years, you'd think I'd be able to stand up for myself. Not against father, I can't, especially in the bright, torch lit dining hall where there hasn't been a ray of light in years. Ever, really, since it's underground and the ceiling hasn't been ripped off by a rampaging colony of monstrous ants in the history I've been around. Perhaps it's been blown apart by father's ill humour, though. I can't really say.

He sat and glowered at me in silence for a full five minutes before making an effort to consume something resembling food (some things in the Mirkwood kitchens these days can be argued against). I still didn't dare blink, remembering painfully my childhood experiences with the King and his hatred of mornings. Once, he even strung me up on the front gates for merely crawling into his bedroom at dawn. Take no twisted ideas; I was two at the time.

Finally, he got to his feet and stalked out of the hall snarling something about spawning little more than a Noldor-bedding hound. I could only draw reference to Huan. I wasn't aware I was so obscenely hairy, and I certainly don't bed Noldor. At home, anyway.

  
April 8

I still don't know what I've done to win father's disfavour. It must have been something horrendous, for he hasn't yet said one thing to me that's even remotely printable.

Some foolish rumour started by the Lake claims that Rivendell caught fire recently. I have to wonder if Glorfindel has slit his own throat if this is true. He's quite close to his wardrobe. Not that anyone should trust word from those Men - they've been a touch excitable about fire since the entire Smaug mix-up.

  
April 9

Glorfindel has arrived in a wretched state made worse by the usual greeting anyone gets around here after tromping mud through the corridors. Father was apoplectic with rage and personally confronted the haggard Glorfindel with a horribly spiked spear. Fortunately I was able to save him before father got really worked up. Why does everyone have to arrive in the morning, of all times? I fail to understand, since both Imladris and Lorien claim that Mirkwood does not rise until noon, and know how perfectly belligerent our King is at any time preceding six in the evening. 

I guided the partially speared guest to a room, but either he was drunk or mindless (It's been said about the Vanyar), for there was no coherence to him at all and I could get no answers about his travels. I left quietly.

  
April 10

Apparently something in Rivendell had gone up in smoke - Elrond and his temper again, doubtlessly - and there are immigrants about to arrive. Namely the twins of Elrond. If they arrive in the morning, I'll find something 'important' to do while father mauls their bodies rather than help them survive. Best the line of Elrond perishes if those two are any example of the gene pool in Imladris.

I found Glorfindel wandering the hallways pattering on about Gondolin incoherently. Something has snapped in his mind, I'm quite certain. Perhaps I should help those blasted twins if they happen by. Whatever has scared our guest to insanity has to be something worth hearing.

Perhaps Gimli knows something about this traumatizing experience he can tell me when he returns from Gondor.

Father still isn't talking to me.

  
April 12

The Laiquendi are protesting the sudden influx of travelers. Father pointed out that the main pass was there before they branched out over the area. This was met with indignant snorts, but they aren't known for logical arguments, and Dwarves travelling the road underneath their homes is one illogical argument they will launch into with maniacal fervour. The courtly fights over Bilbo' s party fifty years ago still gives me nightmares. Gimli thought the entire situation was incredibly stupid. I had to agree.

Something dire had befallen the twins in Rivendell. Something Elrond will have incredible difficulty cooling down about. I gleefully await their arrival.

Gimli has agreed to harass them unendingly with me. The line of Oropher will have revenge. 

  
April 21

Imagine my surprise when both the sons of Elrond and Haldir tromped in through the gates, across the threshold and immediately into a spare bench in the dining hall. They, like Glorfindel, were incoherent.

On my way out the door, I mentioned that the floor was a hideous, mucky mess because of these three and the maids really should be pointed in their direction. The guards grinned wickedly.

Score one point.

  
April 22

Celeborn is after Haldir's blood for something he hasn't done! It explains why he's fled Lorien, leaving his duties to Rumil and Orophin.

Grim-faced, and clothed in a hideous shade of teal (The maids took their revenge), Elrohir attempted to explain the situation. It was jumbled and Glorfindel was nowhere near to offer translation. Not that his own cryptic muttering was any more understandable, now that I think about it. SOMEthing got to them, because Haldir was generally mute, and I've never experienced that before. I have to say it was quite refreshing.

Elrond had been told of the twin's supposedly incestuous relationship, number one. From the way Elrohir stared fixedly at the floor, I suspect he's very, very guilty of the accusation. I'll have to ask Elladan.

I'm not sure what Glorfindel has to do with it all, but he always WAS an unknown entity. Perhaps just a lover's spat. After all, everyone knew about it, even if nothing was said. I dare say that Elrond is in no position to criticize his sons: he's bedding a Vanya. Or was, at any rate. Glorfindel has been predictably silent on this.

Celeborn discovered Haldir in some terribly perverted act, and again, body language indicated guilt. This is delightful. I've got enough blackmail for several centuries!

  
April 25

I face the terrible truth now. It's bitter, ever so bitter.

There was no way I could have known Celeborn had walked in on us! Much more important things were on my mind at the time, I assure you. And it wasn't terribly perverted! Celeborn's shock must have twisted his memory. Tying Haldir down isn't a necessarily bad thing.

So father dearest heard about my tryst, Celeborn is enraged, and Elrond beyond all boundaries of sanity. Glorfindel acts very strangely if anyone so much as mentions Half-Elven. He gets twitchy and looks like a cornered badger.

I'm sure whatever Elrond did to him is much worse than any perversion I can come up with, which is saying much.


	2. Of Cocktail Gowns

**Fighting Caves 2**

  
  
May 1

Glorfindel has found his mind again, to the woe of all that live here. He's teamed up with the twins for support against the 'evil Sindar'. I don't think we are quite as wicked as he seems to think. Well, maybe only father.

The only comment I could get out of Elrohir was: "If I go home, I'll be staked to a tree by my own father, and if I stay, I shall be forced to wear miniskirts for all eternity. Lorien looks very pleasant." Haldir was quick to beat that notion out of his head.

The evening gowns in Elrohir's wardrobe was a personal touch, but the maids thought to trim the hem to about mid-thigh. He seemed mortally afraid of the things and fled his room in only a bath towel to strangle a guard and demand to know what we had against him.

I suppose he's forgotten the demi-war between our two families, the poor sod. Point two!

  
May 2

Gimli has become Haldir's 'bodyguard' on request. I hope he doesn't think the dwarf is actually going to help him in the least even if he falls to a pack of rabid Silvan.

  
May 3

Interesting day. Over the night, Gimli Elf-friend drugged Haldir, bricked up his door and cemented it with liquid mithril. It dried as the sun came up. The language drifting through the cracks in the wall was distinctly unpleasant, and it was kept up until three. The boundary warden managed to concoct some strange explosive and blew the entire wall and half the corridor to rubble. He stood triumphantly on the quivering bodies of the guards father posted at his door and crowed about his invincibility.

Father took one look at the mess, knocked him cross-eyed and dragged him forcibly to the dungeons.

He didn't return for several hours, and I'm afraid I know why.

  
May 10

I'm still struggling to comprehend the things my father is rumoured to be doing to Haldir. 

  
May 11

The Twin Peacocks went hunting in the southern reaches of Mirkwood and returned looking very put out. Likely every monster in the area could see the bright blue and pink brothers coming for miles and fled before they could be completely blinded.

The two might also have noticed the ward on the wood, the ward that will stop them from fleeing our grasp. Elladan smelled faintly of burning hair, so I imagine they did.

Haldir has been allowed out of the dungeons, and father seems to be in a fairly good mood at all hours of the day. Haldir will do that to you, even if Celeborn goes on a rampage afterwards. I still don't see his problem with the entire thing. I thought it was rather pleasant.

  
May 13

Orophin came to collect Haldir and took him back to Lorien. Both of them looked rather traumatized at the thought of facing Celeborn again. Apparently the ordeal was very trying, from what Orophin told me. Something to do with chains.

Perhaps this perversion is genetic. Perhaps I should kill father and take his cooling body just to prove how disgusting - why am I even considering this?


	3. Black River

**Fighting Caves 3**

  
  


May 18

Rumil has escaped Celeborn and is currently tailing behind me at every opportunity. Has Mirkwood suddenly become the Last Homely House? Perhaps 'Botanical Locust Hideout of the Third Age Shadow' would be more appropriate. It seems, however, that our current locusts have pointed ears.

Noldor are not thought highly of in Mirkwood, nor in Lorien. The only difference lies in the fact that Galadriel rules with an iron fist and won't tolerate racial discrimination. I'm not certain how much she believes in this herself for I once saw her terrorizing Glorfindel violently. He's too much of a gentleman to defend himself against a woman. But the animosity between certain Elven factions still floats around, for the Laiquendi are threatening to move south, find monsters, breed them and then bribe the local Maiar to portal the things into father's private chambers in the middle of the night. They're losing their touch; the threats were so much better last _yen_.

Father did little more than make an obscene comment and stalk off. It's like this every two hundred years. A calendar can be set to his mood swings and if I didn't know better, I'd say he was going through sexual withdrawal. Haldir's good, but perhaps I can say that he's not THAT good. 

His brother however, is very good at being completely void of common sense. Rumil managed to burn himself on a hearth fire last night, and he's stabbed his fork right through both twins' hands at various meals. Repeatedly, as Elrohir never lets me forget. I told him to whine at father about homicidal wardens. His reply sent me racing down the hallway only to smack straight into Erestor:

"With the exception of Celeborn, I'm not interested in older men."

Now I have to track down Erestor and demand to know why HE is here, too.

  
May 19

Apparently for Rumil. Ah, Eru! Why me?

  
May 20

Gimli and I sacrificed the twins to the Laiquendi last night. The sweet taste of victory is so much more pleasant now that I realise they haven't returned, although I think I can hear faint screams of agony. Point three.

  
May 21

The twins are back.

The twins are now easily mistaken for the blondest of the Silvan, and the twins are shrieking terribly about their new appearance. Rumil told them it was quite cute and would be completed with a doll's ruffled gown each and a few pink bows tied into their plaits.

Guess who will be sneaking into particular rooms and foibling with certain wardrobes?

  
May 22

Managed to skip breakfast and a confrontation with Elrond's Morgoth-spawned children. Went straight into the woods to murder a few defenceless spiders around Dol Guldur and found Glorfindel tagging along unexpectedly. It's a nice change from Rumil's fawning. I'm not sure what he's after, but I'm sure it's very impure.

Found myself watching Glorfindel's hindquarters more than I was watching where we were going and ended up waist deep in Mirkwood's infamous 'black river'. My guest did not find this amusing and seemed most distressed. I assured him that 'this part of the woods hasn't seen sunlight since the days of the Good Necromancer, who turned out to be a Bad Necromancer'. I was acutely aware of how stupid I sounded. He was familiar with the story and demanded to know why the sand was crawling up his leg.

I didn't bother telling him that the 'sand' was actually my hand. I don't think it's all that pertinent I tell people things like that. You never know how they might react.

Managed to get both of us out the water without being consumed by my own delusional fantasies, remembering Elrohir's comment about 'older men' and desperate to conform to standards. My struggle lasted all of about thirty seconds, whereupon I threw myself at Glorfindel.

I dare say he was quite shocked. He fled immediately and hasn't spoken to me since. 


	4. The River Deepens

**Fighting Caves 4**

  
  
June 1

I still haven't seen Glorfindel anywhere, but Rumil seems to have given up on me and has gone home. I wish everyone else would leave, so I'm not tried for homicidal slaughtering. I have this feeling that father will take any opportunity to maim me. He stares at me very strangely and his hands twitch around any weapon he happens to be carrying, as he's wont to do lately. It's a little unnerving.

I've also seen him crouched over a small straw doll murmuring 'I want to keeeell you'. This happened in the middle of a court meeting, unfortunately. I have the strangest feeling the doll is modeled after me.

Now the entire kingdom think Ada's slightly shy of a whole jerkin.

  
June 2

The twins have somehow tied themselves to me. Mind you, I've never been in love and have never completely understood the entire 'binding' thing, but they are most definitely and unchangeably BOUND to me. I don't know how it happened, just that I find myself constantly in their presence and feel like I'm missing my left leg when they aren't around. Elrohir told me, rather crudely, that he'd pull rank on me tonight.

I'm not sure I want to know why Elladan looked so hideously smug with himself. There's something up.

Still haven't found Glorfindel.

  
June 3

Despite my best attempts at convincing those two horrors that I was, in fact, of higher rank than they, I was tied and bound for the whole of the night. I'm sure I need not go into any detail about what was done and why I didn't get a wink of sleep.

Managed to limp off to the dining hall at about eight and get some food into my system. Overheard some interesting talk from the few latecomers drifting in about some plot or other to drag Celeborn up north into Mirkwood. I was frustrated to realize I didn't have a single idea about what was going on.

I'm still annoyed about that and have spent all day trapezing around the woods and halls, demanding information from servants, lords, and any unfortunate soul I happened to spot. Despite the threats and persuasion at knifepoint, no one seems to know anything more than this: 

Glorfindel is behind the Celeborn Plot.

Celeborn Plot has something to do with Thranduil's PMS of the Century.

The twins are plotting something, too. I'm sure of it. I just can't be sure what, but perhaps it has something to do with the entire bonding mess. I didn't ask to wake up in bed with those two! There 's nothing overly wicked about my past deeds. I think.

Maybe Mithrandir knows something about something! He is due for a visit, after all, and so is that smelly Dunadan Elrond insists on fostering. He's not a bad chap, but baths were invented for a reason. Humans.

I feel I shall die of brain burnout if this continues any longer. Gimli told me blonds shouldn't try and think too hard. It may make them develop a tangle, at which point, by the code of Blond Fairies, they must take their own life. I contented myself with a rather violent reply.

The stupid Dwarf seems to think that Elves are incredibly conceited about their hair. I beg to differ. If you are in a council with Peredhil, then you have to do everything to can to keep him from making scathing comments about one's personal self. Not to mention your spiritual self, mental capacity, and worth. Elrond enjoys tormenting people so very dearly. It makes political councils incredibly trying. He does it on purpose. I know his twisted little half-human mind.

I'm beginning to sound like my grandfather.

  
June 8

Imagine my surprise when Haldir comes barrelling in over the guards and through the gates to throw himself on Erestor sobbing for breath this afternoon. He's a raving lunatic, and at least Erestor has taken it upon himself to help the poor bugger get some of his brain tissue back in order.

All I can say is: Celeborn is a very, very twisted individual.

  
June 9

Rumil tromped in this morning, about as sane as Haldir.

  
June 10

Orophin is the last brother to trample father's guards, who are getting right tired of having boot prints stamped into their facial structure. Erestor now has three crazy Silvans trailing him around everywhere. Remarkably, he doesn't seem too concerned.

Glorfindel has finally showed his face and appears to be constantly in the throes of his own ingenuity. If only I didn't have these blasted twins hanging off my every limb I could go and help him with his plans, so to speak.


	5. Evil Parents

**Fighting Caves 5**

  
  
June 12

Mentioned something about the Battle of Five Armies at dinner and got stabbed for my trouble. Stabbed! By father, no less. He seems a bit touchy about the whole thing still, and since then kept our borders open to the Dwarves. Gimli scoffed at that.

"Open, sure! But just let them try and get through without being stuck with arrows."

I didn't press the point.

But the points of many sharp things in the possession of my father keep burying themselves deep into my flesh. I still don't know what's wrong with him!

  
June 13

I think I'm going to lose my mind if I stay here any longer. The twins won't leave me alone, and even left me tied up in my own bedroom for half the day, before finally taking pity on me!

Ada's carrying racks of throwing knives now. Gimli says he's gone insane. The maids agreed whole-heartedly, but mentioned that the entire court would do nothing to throw him off the throne. Something about entertainment with dinner. I don't like the sound of this.

  
June 15

Erestor and his murder of Silvan loons made some attempts to make peace with the guards, but the poor people were squished under the verbal hoof. I wasn't aware our forces had such violent tongues, so perhaps I should replace the scribes with the gate guards. A refreshing, cynical attitude in its scrolls is just what the Mirkwood library needs.

Glorfindel's disappeared again!

  
June 19

It took me about three hours to stop bleeding after pulling myself off the wall. I only tried to ask Ada if he knew anything about the Celeborn Plot. He lost it and pinned me against the wall with about ten daggers enchanted to bury themselves in the stone to their hilts.

It probably wasn't an accident that one stuck itself through my thigh.

So now I'm limping around because of THAT, not to mention the abuse I receive from the twins. 

  
June 20

Gimli dyed the hell spawn of Elrond's hair a creative magenta. I'm lying low.

  
June 22

Father is positively bristling with weapons! The servant boys tell me laughingly that he sleeps with them. Just as I was leaving, one grabbed me by the arm and led me off to a dark corner. He said Ada is acting like he is because he thinks I'm a threat to Celeborn.

Now that I think about it, maybe this is revenge from Glorfindel for attempted rape. It wasn't my fault, though! How can he expect me to keep control of my body's urges? Once you get older than 1000, it gets really hard. Far too trying for me.

Anyway, it's his fault for looking the way he does.

  
June 24

No word from Mithrandir or Glorfindel yet.

  
June 25

The twins have disowned me, thank the Valar! They're yelling about my crying the name of a particular Vanya at an inappropriate moment. They don't believe me when I try and explain to them the trials of keeping my body in check.

They've still got pink hair, but they seemed pleased with it. If this inspires some strange sub- culture among the Humans..

  
June 30

He tried to slit my throat when I was sleeping! I'm going to have to press charges against my own father, if this keeps up!


End file.
